[NSW] Raising Resilient Children

By NSW Principal – MR TONY HANLON

What parent hasn’t looked upon their child and wished they could protect them from all the trials and tribulations that life will throw their way?

Even if you could somehow magically be there every day, every moment, through the rest of their lives, you would be doing your child a grave injustice. You would be raising an emotionally stunted adult unable to fend for themselves in the real world.

There is a way, however, to teach your child to be their own champion against life’s challenges.

It’s called resilience.

Put simply, resilience is the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties. It is about bouncing back into shape when life throws you an unexpected and unpleasant surprise.

In our post-COVID world, researchers, child psychologists and teachers are seeing more children struggle with adversity. Resilience has definitely taken a hit.

Children who lack resilience are less able to perform well in school. Both their academic and social skills success suffers.

Interestingly, the problems associated with a lack of resilience do not stop at childhood.

Research shows that adults who lack resilience encounter more conflict in their workplace. They miss out on promotion due to their inability to cope with adversity.

How to Build Resilience in Children:

1. Help them connect
   Research shows that people who have a strong social network have higher resilience and are better placed to deal with depression and anxiety. Teach your child the importance of building connections with their peers. Most importantly help them build the skill of empathy and listening, ACTUALLY LISTENING to others. It’s also important to build a strong family network. Encourage a Zoom connection with grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts overseas. Teach them to ask questions of people in their family – especially older members. Let them see the value and validity of every member of their family network.
2. Don’t fight their fights
   Disagreements with friends and classmates is an expected part of growing up. Let your child sort out their little disagreements themselves; obviously with some well-placed subtle advice, but try to stay out of the firing line. Only intervene if the problem escalates.
   If your child has done something at school that has concerned the teacher don’t immediately jump to their defence. We all did something naughty at school – there is a high likelihood that your child will do something naughty as well. It is best to have them reflect on the situation, acknowledge their part in the problem and plan a way forward. This allows for the healthy psychological development of the child whilst showing them that facing a problem, as opposed to finding an excuse for their behaviour, is the best way to resolve conflict.
3. Increase resilience through helping others
   Children who may feel helpless can feel empowered by helping others. Engage your child in age-appropriate volunteer work or ask for assistance yourself with tasks that they can master. At home, brainstorm with your child about ways they can help younger siblings, you and their grandparents.
4. Stick to a daily routine
   We are all happiest when our lives move in a predictable manner. Sticking to a routine can be comforting to children, especially younger children who crave structure in their lives. Work with your child to develop a routine, clearly defining times that are for homework, silent reading and free play. Particularly during times of distress or transition, you might need to be flexible with some routines. At the same time, schedules and consistency are important to maintain.
5. Let it go!
   Don’t cry over spilt milk. There are things in life we cannot change and as much as it may frustrate us we have to accept our lack of control. Teach your child how to focus on something that they can control or can act on. Talk through what has happened and help them divert their thoughts and energies to something positive they can build or create. Teach a deep-breathing technique such as ‘breathe in happy thoughts, breathe out anger’.
6. Teach health
   Teach your child the importance of eating properly, exercise, and get sufficient sleep. Eating properly may also involve allowing for ‘junk’ food in moderation – that is your choice to make. Make sure your child has time to have fun and to participate in activities they enjoy. Caring for oneself and even having fun will help children stay balanced and better deal with stressful times.
7. Define reachable and realistic goals
   Reality Check: our chances of being prime minister are slim, but our chances of a successful career and a satisfying life are boundless. Teach your child to set reasonable goals and help them to move toward them one step at a time. Establishing goals will help children focus on a specific task and can help build the resilience to move forward in the face of challenges. When assisting with homework, break down large assignments into small, achievable goals for younger children, and for older children, acknowledge accomplishments on the way to larger goals.
8. Ban Instagram – Encourage a positive self-view
   Help your child remember ways they have successfully handled hardships in the past and help them understand that these past challenges help build the strength to handle future challenges. Develop your child’s trust in themselves to solve problems and make appropriate decisions.

   Social media can present a sanitised world of perfect smiles on impossibly beautiful and handsome people. Teenagers look at the images on Instagram and other social media platforms and feel that they ‘come up short’ against the digitally-enhanced images.

   This feeling of ‘not being good enough’ can lead to body dysmorphic disorder, eating disorders, anxiety and depression. Start a conversation about how unrealistic the images are. Beauty fades but strong character stays with us through our lives. 

   Remember, teenagers are good at getting around obstacles! They can get around the recent laws governing social media access. You still need to be vigilant when it comes to what your children see when they access the internet.

9. Keep things in perspective and maintain a hopeful outlook
   Even when your child is facing very painful events, help them look at the situation in a broader context. Encourage a long-term perspective. Although your child may be too young to consider a long-term outlook on their own, help them see that there is a future beyond the current situation and that the future can be good.

   ‘Sadness is but a wall between two gardens’.

   This inspiring thought, from Khalil Gibran, can be presented through an example from your own life to help your child understand. An optimistic and positive outlook can enable children to see the good things in life and keep going even in the hardest times. Remember – those who win never quit; those who quit never win.

As a society, it is our sons and our daughters who inherit the future. The future won’t wait for them, and it won’t care if they are ready or not. It will, however, place increasingly complex demands on them as the climate becomes less predictable and the geo-political situation becomes less stable. Resilience will not be optional for those who seek to succeed. It will be the reason that they are able to succeed.

Your child deserves to succeed.

Stay strong. Stay engaged with the magic of learning and be the resilience that you want your child to have.